Inevitably Boring

I don’t want to age. I want to make that abundantly clear; if I had it my way, I would stay where I am mentally and physically for the rest of my life. Essentially, I want to be an immature highlander.

This with a Midwestern accent.

But one constant issue that has been plaguing me at work; everyone is as boring as flat diet coke.  All of them are a solid five or more years older than me, with either kids, a fiance, or a steady relationship with NPR.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of these things, let me make that abundantly clear.  But, when that’s all anyone really knows about you, all you really talk about…it becomes your identity.

I know what your thinking “Bastard Archaeologist, you haven’t tried to get to know these people; you’re a judgmental whore asshole!”. Well, dear reader, your wrong. I have unleashed my personality bit by bit.  For example, this past week, when discussing the issues with politicians, I suggested ‘election by Hunger-games’.

He would win every election.

I was met with looks ranging from mild disgust to less mild disgust.  One of  the more outspoken ladies looked me in the eye, asked me if I seriously enjoyed watching people get murdered; when the other day she was talking about the latest episode of a “Game of Thrones”.  Whether or not I enjoy watching people die is not the issue, but if you watch HBO…you don’t get to judge me.

If you watch this show, you love watching people die.

The conversation then turned to the latest ‘chapter a day’ on NPR.  I’m not kidding.  We could be discussing how a “Biden vs. Palin Vice-presidential smack-down” could have been the best TV in history, and instead we were talking about a woman who reads books aloud on public radio.  And by the way, my money is on Biden unless Palin uses teeth…so, there’s that.

The bottom line, I’m afraid of aging if it means I turn into someone who is dull. I would rather receive graphic texts from a geriatric convict than let that happen.


The Perks of Having No Work Friends

Recently, I’ve taken a job that requires me to stay in hotels around the state throughout the week. However, after having quite a few friends at my previous job, I’ve got to deal with the issue of having no friends at work.  This week, I worked on historical documentation with a woman who literally grunts in response to what I say.  But then, as I sat there, i started to appreciate the solitude, and so I made a list of all the advantages of having no friends,

1. Arts and Crafts

Any alcoholic writer can tell you that nothing inspires creativity like solitude. So, after grocery shopping and binge-eating on the powdered cheese in the Macaroni and Cheese box, I was left with a lot of dry, flavorless, noodles.

Who the fuck would eat noodles without sauce?

So when life and impatient eating gives you noodles, you make art.  I didn’t have any glue or paper, so I used peanut butter and hotel stationary. After five minutes of failing, I decided to cook the mac and cheese with peanut butter as sauce.

And two nights later, I cooked something else in the hotel room. In the toliet. It was shit.

 If I had friends, they probably would have stopped me. Thus, the advantage of having no friends is very apparent.

2. Videos a Blaring

You can watch anything that you want, without anyone judging your netflix or internet video preferences. Three cats fitting into a shoe box? Youtube it on! Twin peaks? Who else will solve Laura Palmer’s murder?   German midget shemale porn?

Blare it Loud and PROUD, you sick fuck!

I myself enjoy the comedic stylings of Jake and Amir. If you haven’t seen it….


I actually just leave the TV on HBO while I’m away on full volume, with the do not disturb sign on the door. There’s a good chance random strangers think I getting laid now (or shot or beheaded).

3. The Classic ‘Drink and Sob’

The archaeologists favorite; drinking.  But this activity can only be done if you are alone. You take a bottle of your favorite alcohol and think of everything in the world that you hate while chugging it as fast as you can.

Don’t stop until your computer watches you do German Midget Shemale Porn

At the end of the night, if you don’t end up in your bathtub, asking your ex why they hated your eyebrows over a shotty mobile connection? You did it wrong.

I tried so hard to pluck it to your exact specifications.

4. Self-Reflection on Deep and Beautiful Level

There are some things that you shouldn’t do in public, and that’s find your self…

Not like that, you!

I mean of course, talking to yourself.  Now, I will occasionally partake in this in public, but completely by accident.  For example, at work the other day, I was telling a dear co worker about my research. After five minutes of talking she turned and told me she stopped paying attention several minutes ago.  This is when I recognized my super power: I can say anything I want at work without anyone hearing me. So I decided to start saying my thoughts out loud to better interpret and work through them.

“Giant Cookie-hooker!”

The other day, I talked my way through the moral dilemma of euthanasia of endangered animals (to spare them the loneliness of being one of the last of their species). By the time I reached my solution,


-the archaeology lab was completely empty. The degree to which people didn’t notice me was so strong that they forgot to invite me to join them for lunch.  So, you see, having no friends is really quite a benefit.