Recently, I’ve taken a job that requires me to stay in hotels around the state throughout the week. However, after having quite a few friends at my previous job, I’ve got to deal with the issue of having no friends at work. This week, I worked on historical documentation with a woman who literally grunts in response to what I say. But then, as I sat there, i started to appreciate the solitude, and so I made a list of all the advantages of having no friends,
1. Arts and Crafts
Any alcoholic writer can tell you that nothing inspires creativity like solitude. So, after grocery shopping and binge-eating on the powdered cheese in the Macaroni and Cheese box, I was left with a lot of dry, flavorless, noodles.
Who the fuck would eat noodles without sauce?
So when life and impatient eating gives you noodles, you make art. I didn’t have any glue or paper, so I used peanut butter and hotel stationary. After five minutes of failing, I decided to cook the mac and cheese with peanut butter as sauce.
And two nights later, I cooked something else in the hotel room. In the toliet. It was shit.
If I had friends, they probably would have stopped me. Thus, the advantage of having no friends is very apparent.
2. Videos a Blaring
You can watch anything that you want, without anyone judging your netflix or internet video preferences. Three cats fitting into a shoe box? Youtube it on! Twin peaks? Who else will solve Laura Palmer’s murder? German midget shemale porn?
Blare it Loud and PROUD, you sick fuck!
I myself enjoy the comedic stylings of Jake and Amir. If you haven’t seen it….
I actually just leave the TV on HBO while I’m away on full volume, with the do not disturb sign on the door. There’s a good chance random strangers think I getting laid now (or shot or beheaded).
3. The Classic ‘Drink and Sob’
The archaeologists favorite; drinking. But this activity can only be done if you are alone. You take a bottle of your favorite alcohol and think of everything in the world that you hate while chugging it as fast as you can.
Don’t stop until your computer watches you do German Midget Shemale Porn
At the end of the night, if you don’t end up in your bathtub, asking your ex why they hated your eyebrows over a shotty mobile connection? You did it wrong.
I tried so hard to pluck it to your exact specifications.
4. Self-Reflection on Deep and Beautiful Level
There are some things that you shouldn’t do in public, and that’s find your self…
Not like that, you!
I mean of course, talking to yourself. Now, I will occasionally partake in this in public, but completely by accident. For example, at work the other day, I was telling a dear co worker about my research. After five minutes of talking she turned and told me she stopped paying attention several minutes ago. This is when I recognized my super power: I can say anything I want at work without anyone hearing me. So I decided to start saying my thoughts out loud to better interpret and work through them.
The other day, I talked my way through the moral dilemma of euthanasia of endangered animals (to spare them the loneliness of being one of the last of their species). By the time I reached my solution,
“KILL THEM ALL”
-the archaeology lab was completely empty. The degree to which people didn’t notice me was so strong that they forgot to invite me to join them for lunch. So, you see, having no friends is really quite a benefit.